Can a Cheater Change Her Spots?

 *Don’t miss the latest CILN story “Cookies = Strippers” below the blog. Is going to the strip club considered cheating? You decide!

“Once a cheater always a cheater.” I beg to differ.

Me:  Could you take a chance and date someone known for cheating in her past relationships?

Stuart:  At this point in my life, I wouldn’t take the chance. It would be a waste of time.

Me:  What if she claimed to no longer cheat? Could you trust her? Or would it be too risky?

Stuart:  Too risky. I like to look at people’s pasts to determine their futures. This may be unfair, but that’s how I do it.

Ouch. Well if a person’s future is determined by his/her past then no man would ever take a chance on me. I have cheated on basically every boyfriend I’ve ever had. There, my skeleton is out of the closet. I cannot really provide an explanation for my infidelity besides being young, selfish, and immature.

My last relationship was over 4 years ago. Since then I have grown a lot within myself, with my relationship with God, and with my relationships with the opposite sex. I now know what I want and what I do not want. And I recognized my own shortcomings in relationships and have made great strides to overcome them. With all that being said I still find myself having to answer for the mistakes of my past. I’m finding that some men have a difficult time accepting my “spotted” history.

There are many risks involved when startings new relationships. The biggest -I think we all can agree- is heartbreak. We want to avoid it at all costs. And in some eyes, choosing to date a former cheater is a huge gamble. But as any gambler would tell you, the only way to win is to stay at the table.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) This scripture speaks about the ministry of reconciliation. We have been reconciled with God through Christ, with God “not counting men’s sins against them” (2 Corinthians 5:19). Following God’s example we should work to be reconciled with our brothers and sisters not counting their sins again them as well (not just talking about romantic relationships either).

So … am I worth the risk? Heck yeah I am! (Duh! lol

So take a chance. 

– Belle  

While on the topic of cheaters… Is going to the strip club considered cheating? You decide.

Cookies = Strippers

Laugher:  Breign from Memphis, TN

Premise:  First visit to the strip club

* Breign’s grad chapter was in town and wanted to take him to a strip club since they knew he was still a virgin. (I hope they were not planning to pop his cherry with a stripper!)

* Breign was only 19 so the security guard would not let him in…or at least not at first.

* The security guard then told Breign “if you help me I’ll help you.” The guard then reached down and pulled out a box of girl scout cookies that he was selling for his daughter! (wow!)

* So of course Breign bought a box and was allowed in the club. (You know what? I can’t even be mad at the guard. I was a girl scout, and I know that they want those cookies sold by any means necessary! lol)

Let’s just say that Breign’s first visit to the strip club was nothing like he imagined. Between the smell, illegal activities, unattractive women, and his married frat bruh giving (not receiving) some oral attention (wink, wink) to a dancer (now that is cheating!), I guess the best part of the night for him was the girl scout cookies!

It just goes to show that all that glitters isn’t gold. Especially in a strip club!

Until next time, keep laughing!

*To watch the hilarious video for Cookies = Stripper click the link

Can’t Blame this Skeleton on Halloween…

Just needing to vent-

WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Why are past mistakes so hard to get over? So hard to let go? Why do we let the past keep us from enjoying the fullness of the present? The beauty of the present? The sincerity of the present? Why do we hold ourselves prisoners? How foolish we are when the key to our freedom we possess the entire time! What are we afraid of?

As for me, I’ve wasted too much time, too much energy, too many freakin’ tears on the past. No more. My past cannot, will not have anymore of  my present. And believe me, it’s easy to revert back to past ways, to the old, to the familiar, to the comfortable but I’m over that. I’ve moved beyond that. So you can stay in my past if you want to. But all you will be doing is holding my skeleton.

Is it too much to ask for you to see me for who I am today? Who I am right now, right this minute. I thank God that He is not like man. I thank God that He does not judge me based on my past mistakes, and I thank God that He sees me for who I am right now, not for who I was back then. But then again, I guess He does have a bit of an advantage; He knows the future. He knows how much I love Him. He knows this time around that I am serious about my relationship with Him. He sees me pouring out my heart to Him and does not doubt it because He knows that I am genuine. So I guess me asking you to do the same would be asking you to have a little faith in me, huh? And I guess that would be asking too much.

And for those inspector gadgets out there trying to figure out who I am talking about- I’m talking about YOU! Why do you hold on to past hurts, mistakes, and failures? Walk into your now. Do it before it is too late and you miss out on a good- no great- thing! Do it before you are adding a skeleton of regret to that closet.

-Consider this your kick in the nuts

Dangerously Insecure…

If there is no room for insecurity in a healthy relationship, then why does it always seem to rear its ugly head?

It has been about four years since my last serious relationship. Coming out of the relationship I realized that I left with a few insecurities. I took the time to work on them and believed that they were out of my system. That was until I recently started dating a new guy and quickly discovered that all of my insecurities weren’t gone.

Scenario:  My new guy went out for the night. No biggie. However, when I texted him later on, I got no response. Now in my previous relationship this was an issue because my former boyfriend was caught cheating when he didn’t respond to my call/texts. And so my mind began to wander thinking about the whereabouts of my new guy. Now of course this deeply upset me because I didn’t want to be that woman who brought past insecurities into new relationships. So I called my bestie for advice.

She agreed that I was letting my insecurities from the past dwell in the present. And we both agreed that for me to maintain a healthy relationship that I would have to get my insecurities in check. I like what she told me, “Trust that he is a good man, and trust that he knows that you are a good woman. Trust that he recognizes what you bring to the table and would not want to mess that up.”

I’m big on communication so I decided to be honest and let my guy know how I was feeling. I told him that I might still have a few trust issues from my past relationship. And surprisingly, he revealed some trust issues of his own. I believe in disclosing insecurities early on to decide  if the two of you can work on them together or if it is better for you to take the time to deal with them on your own.

Last night over dinner, a friend of mine, Stuart, shared about his ex. Something you should know about Stuart:  Stuart is a highly motivated, goal oriented man. While in their long distance relationship it was brought to light that his girlfriend was lying about her living and working situation. When Stuart confronted her about it she said that she felt like she couldn’t measure up to his “high” standards. After that relationship he decided, “I’m not gonna date someone who makes me feel bad about my goals ’cause I have a lot of them.” I asked if he felt that insecurity played a part. He stated, “Had to be. Had to be.”

Problems with Insecurities:

1. Insecurities cause a disconnect in the relationship. They pull you further and further away from your partner. In Stuart’s case, the lies separated them more than the physical distance.

2. Your insecurities can create insecurities in your partner. Stuart started to tell himself, “maybe I deserved to be lied to.” The last thing we should want to do is make our partners feel insecure. We should be the first to encourage, uplift, and speak life into our mates, not bring them down.

Recognizing the Root:

A wise man, Kat Williams, once said that self-esteem comes from within. No one else can give it to you. (Wow, I really just referenced Kat Williams. lol) I agree to a certain extent. The problem is that the people we surround ourselves with influence us greatly. And their perceptions of us matter, whether we admit it or not. The way our parents, friends, and mates view us affect how we view ourselves. (Be careful what you say to each other, especially as parents. Words stick.)

With conquering insecurities you must start with transforming your mindset. It helps to know who you are and whose you are. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 14). You are a child of God with a light and treasure inside of you. Always surround yourself with people who see the good and the potential that lies within you.

*Another one bites the dust. Culprit? Insecurity.

Denial of Self

Laugher:  Nina from Hot Springs, AR

Premise:  In a relationship with a very selfish and insecure man

*Her boyfriend was jealous of her female friends. (Someone please explain to me the logic behind  being jealous of the friends!)

*His jealously and insecurity caused her to miss her friend’s college graduation party and her cousin’s house-warming.

*He dipped into her savings account (Um…how does he have access? No, ma’am! -Kitta expounds on this in the video, lol) and bought himself a new truck when he knew she was saving to replace her old truck.

*Nina finally reached her last straw, packed her bags, and left. As she drove away Tamia’s song “Me” played on the radio. (Can we say CONFIRMATION?!)

*Nina is now happily married, back in college, and is making plans for a family. She says, “all those arguments, tears, and mistreatment led me to a man I love and respect. And he tells me everyday, about 10x a day, how much he loves me, even 3 years into the relationship.”

-Well Amen, Nina! Sometimes you have to experience the bitter to appreciate the sweet.

*To view Kitta’s video of Nina’s story, follow the link

Insecurity. It’s a dangerous slope and just not worth it.

Until next time!