If there is no room for insecurity in a healthy relationship, then why does it always seem to rear its ugly head?
It has been about four years since my last serious relationship. Coming out of the relationship I realized that I left with a few insecurities. I took the time to work on them and believed that they were out of my system. That was until I recently started dating a new guy and quickly discovered that all of my insecurities weren’t gone.
Scenario: My new guy went out for the night. No biggie. However, when I texted him later on, I got no response. Now in my previous relationship this was an issue because my former boyfriend was caught cheating when he didn’t respond to my call/texts. And so my mind began to wander thinking about the whereabouts of my new guy. Now of course this deeply upset me because I didn’t want to be that woman who brought past insecurities into new relationships. So I called my bestie for advice.
She agreed that I was letting my insecurities from the past dwell in the present. And we both agreed that for me to maintain a healthy relationship that I would have to get my insecurities in check. I like what she told me, “Trust that he is a good man, and trust that he knows that you are a good woman. Trust that he recognizes what you bring to the table and would not want to mess that up.”
I’m big on communication so I decided to be honest and let my guy know how I was feeling. I told him that I might still have a few trust issues from my past relationship. And surprisingly, he revealed some trust issues of his own. I believe in disclosing insecurities early on to decide if the two of you can work on them together or if it is better for you to take the time to deal with them on your own.
Last night over dinner, a friend of mine, Stuart, shared about his ex. Something you should know about Stuart: Stuart is a highly motivated, goal oriented man. While in their long distance relationship it was brought to light that his girlfriend was lying about her living and working situation. When Stuart confronted her about it she said that she felt like she couldn’t measure up to his “high” standards. After that relationship he decided, “I’m not gonna date someone who makes me feel bad about my goals ’cause I have a lot of them.” I asked if he felt that insecurity played a part. He stated, “Had to be. Had to be.”
Problems with Insecurities:
1. Insecurities cause a disconnect in the relationship. They pull you further and further away from your partner. In Stuart’s case, the lies separated them more than the physical distance.
2. Your insecurities can create insecurities in your partner. Stuart started to tell himself, “maybe I deserved to be lied to.” The last thing we should want to do is make our partners feel insecure. We should be the first to encourage, uplift, and speak life into our mates, not bring them down.
Recognizing the Root:
A wise man, Kat Williams, once said that self-esteem comes from within. No one else can give it to you. (Wow, I really just referenced Kat Williams. lol) I agree to a certain extent. The problem is that the people we surround ourselves with influence us greatly. And their perceptions of us matter, whether we admit it or not. The way our parents, friends, and mates view us affect how we view ourselves. (Be careful what you say to each other, especially as parents. Words stick.)
With conquering insecurities you must start with transforming your mindset. It helps to know who you are and whose you are. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 14). You are a child of God with a light and treasure inside of you. Always surround yourself with people who see the good and the potential that lies within you.
*Another one bites the dust. Culprit? Insecurity.
Denial of Self
Laugher: Nina from Hot Springs, AR
Premise: In a relationship with a very selfish and insecure man
*Her boyfriend was jealous of her female friends. (Someone please explain to me the logic behind being jealous of the friends!)
*His jealously and insecurity caused her to miss her friend’s college graduation party and her cousin’s house-warming.
*He dipped into her savings account (Um…how does he have access? No, ma’am! -Kitta expounds on this in the video, lol) and bought himself a new truck when he knew she was saving to replace her old truck.
*Nina finally reached her last straw, packed her bags, and left. As she drove away Tamia’s song “Me” played on the radio. (Can we say CONFIRMATION?!)
*Nina is now happily married, back in college, and is making plans for a family. She says, “all those arguments, tears, and mistreatment led me to a man I love and respect. And he tells me everyday, about 10x a day, how much he loves me, even 3 years into the relationship.”
-Well Amen, Nina! Sometimes you have to experience the bitter to appreciate the sweet.
*To view Kitta’s video of Nina’s story, follow the link http://youtu.be/B3pdXQ_xBrg
Insecurity. It’s a dangerous slope and just not worth it.
Until next time!