~ Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011 ~
Fear Factor: T
In January I launched a campaign for Valentine’s Day. With the help of my friends, I was determined to have a date for Valentine’s Day. They had the task of finding the, almost, perfect guy and I had the task of keeping myself up to make it easier for them to find someone who wanted to go out with me. So I made sure I combed my hair everyday, put on something other than workout clothes, and painted on some lip gloss and a smile. To promote my campaign I enlisted the help of my photographer and my cousin, who’s a videographer. That’s right, I had a photo shoot and even filmed a short promo. I was so excited about the possible outcome. I had put myself out there, which is so unlike me. My guarded nature usually prevents me from purposely putting myself in any type of vulnerable situation.
After about 2 weeks of actually making my campaign public, I began to have regrets…doubts. Suddenly I didn’t want to do it anymore. The excitement went away and I wanted to cancel the whole thing. There were so many ‘what ifs’ running through my mind. What if my friends can’t find anyone who wants to go out with me? What if I don’t like any of the guys they pick for me? What if I’m not pretty enough to attract anyone? Should I just accept the fact that I’m single for a reason? Is this whole Valentine’s date thing just stupid? What if every guy they show my pic to is like, “HECK NO I’m not going out with her!”? Yes, these were real thoughts I had and I was terrified.
In a previous blog I shared my thoughts on why I’m single. I have a lot of insecurities and low self-esteem. Well, these same issues influenced me to tell my friends that my Valentine’s Day campaign was off. Yep, I canceled the whole thing. Despite having put myself out there publicly and having others excited to see how this was going to play out, the fact that so many people told me how great this idea was and they wish they had thought of it or that they planned to do it in the future. I didn’t care at this point, I just wanted out. My friends weren’t too happy about this decision. I had built so much excitement around it and I suddenly cancel it without giving them a reason. I felt like I had wasted everyone’s time…my friends, my cousin, and my photographer.
Let me give you an example of just how deep my insecurities are. A few days ago I posted the pic below on Instagram. My plan was to add several filters to it before I finally left it up for everyone to see. I posted the pic before I could add a filter to it, by mistake of course, and was going to delete it before anyone saw it. But before I could delete it some of my followers had already liked and even left comments. I reluctantly left the pic up.
I’m not sharing this to get pity compliments or fishing for sympathy. I’m sharing this because I know I’m not the only woman who feels like this. There is no amount of compliments that will boost my self-confidence. I have to do that for myself. I can get complimented all day but if I don’t believe that I’m beautiful I will never believe anyone else. My friends and family give me compliments all the time. My thoughts when they say nice things about me, “You’re only saying that because you’re my friend. I know you love me and you’re just trying to make me feel better.” I don’t believe they truly mean it when they say “you look pretty” or “you’re a beautiful girl.” The one thing I’m struggling to achieve is self-confidence. God says that, “…I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” I try to remember that scripture every time I look at a pic of myself and see nothing wonderful about it.
My fear factor, rejection, is the reason why I did not get a date for Valentine’s Day. I let my insecurities take over. But my goal for 2015 is to face my fear and go on that date. Now, the plot twist. There is someone who I would love to go out with! So part of facing my fear factor is asking that person out on a date. Yes, I know that I’m the woman and typically the man is supposed to pursue the woman. But if you haven’t figured out by now, I don’t think like the average person and I don’t follow the crowd. And yes, I will keep you updated on how that goes.
As always…Keep Laughing!