Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011
As another birthday approaches, and now that I’m in my thirties, each passing year brings thoughts of all the things I still haven’t experienced and the places I have yet to visit. But everyone else tends to focus on the fact that another year has passed and I’m not getting any younger and I still don’t have any kids. Never mind the ‘first comes love, then comes marriage’ part. Just BABIES! Now I’ve never been the girl who dreamed of getting married to my prince charming and having his puppet head babies. And I’m still not sure that I want that life, I really enjoy my freedom and not having to consider anyone else when making decisions. I was telling a friend about a few of my upcoming road trips and someone overheard me talking and asked if I had any kids. When I said no she said, “That’s why you can do all of that traveling. You’re carefree.” Yes, I am rather carefree, besides having a full-time job that slows me down sometimes. But will my carefree lifestyle eventually leave me with regrets?
Most of my close friends have families already, and those that don’t have plans to one day have a family. What if I am the only that ends of single with no kids in a few years? Will I be left behind. Does not having kids or the desire to have kids make me somewhat immature? Maybe I’ll just be the god-mother to all of their kids. Will that be enough? Or will I be envious and long for my own family? What if I changed my mind? Can I do that? Can I put my selfish ways aside and make the decision to have a husband and some little Kittas? Is it too late? Have all my years of constant anti marriage and kids talk caused me to miss out on my chance?
What if I’ve already curved the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? I’ve purposely sabotaged a lot of relationships due to my abandonment issues. I typically leave before I’m left. Or I automatically ‘friend zone’ guys as soon as I meet them. Will God send me another one? Does He have a backup for those of us that mess up His first choice for us? What if there really isn’t someone for everybody? Am I not being proactive enough in my dating life? Wait…my non-existent dating life. What if I never overcome my self-esteem issues? What if [he] can’t overlook my insecurities and love me anyway?
What if [he] turns out to be like my father? What if my child goes through what I went through? What if my child never knows what it feels like to have the love of a father, the feeling of protection? How will I give my child enough love, like my mother gave me, to make up for the pain and hurt of not having fatherly love? Will my daughter’s first heartbreak be at the hands of her father? What if my daddy issues is the reason I fear falling love and having kids?
Fear! A realization…an admission of fear. What if?
As always Laughers,