Friends With Real Benefits

To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” ~Genesis 3:16


Who would want to have children after reading that scripture, knowing that you’re going to be in excruciating, oh Lord hold my mule while I shout, pain? HUH?! Who? Where? How? Not I said the cat. And what the freak is this 20 bones simultaneously getting fractured at a time? The h***?! I don’t even like going to the dentist for fear that he’s going to stick his big hand in my mouth and snatch out a tooth. And desiring my husband…chile please, that’s another blog for another day.

Now that I’ve released that, here’s what’s going to make me sound bipolar…I would really like to give my mother a grandchild. I’m her only child, thus her only chance of being a grandmother. Now my mother isn’t pressuring me to ‘put some beans in the oven’ but I know she would be an awesome grandmother and my child would have so much love that he/she might be in danger of overdosing on cuddles and ish! Unfortunately, I’m not sure that will ever happen. I’m already in my 30s and I’m not even in a relationship…I’m not even in like with anyone. So while on a mini getaway with 2 of my friends, I came up with a brilliant idea…or something like that.


I have a male friend that I’ve known for about 10 years now. Really great guy and great friend that I know will one day make an awesome father. He’s at a point in his life where he’s ready for a wife and 2.5 kids with the big yard and picket fence. I’m at the point in my life where I want to give my mom a grandchild…not that I want to be a mother but, like I already said, I am my mother’s only chance at having a grandchild so I have to make some life decisions. So here’s the deal I put on the table: he’s a successful good looking man who’s on his way to being even more successful in the future. I’m not an ugly person, and neither is he, so we’d definitely make a cute baby. So I proposed that he give me some of his little swimmers so I could be artificially inseminated. I told him he could have the baby whenever he wanted, even have full custodial rights over any decision that has to be made regarding the child, as long as my mom is able to see the baby whenever she wants. He can even name the baby. What do I gain from this transaction? Well, I provide my mother with a grandchild, my friend gets his first child before he turns 40, and I get the security and confidence of knowing that my child has a good father…the father that I didn’t have. Sounds great right! I thought so too…he didn’t! He wants to be able to tell his child he/she was made out of love. My counter argument was that the child would definitely be made out of love. I don’t just consider him an associate, he’s on my real friend list…like I’d give him a kidney if he needed one so of course I love him. Unfortunately, that’s not the kind of love he’s referring to. He wants his WIFE to birth his children, not his baby mama…or in my case, his friend. And since I’m not his blessing, beyond friendship, I think he’s declining my offer. And in an interesting twist, he doesn’t want to have to tell his child that “I’ve never seen your mama naked.” Why that would be a topic of discussion between father and son/daughter is beyond me, but if you knew my friend it wouldn’t come as a surprise.

But how awesome would it be to have an arrangement such as the one I proposed above. If it could actually work. I mean I’m not getting any younger and the process of finding someone to date, falling in love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, and THEN having a baby can be very lengthy. I’m already in my thirties, once I hit forty it’s a wrap. I ain’t birthing no babies. So why not draft one of those friendship contracts like Nene and Cynthia and seal the deal with a friend to have a baby.

Now for all of you biblical people out there, I’m sure you’re saying ‘this is not of God’, in your most stern and judgmental church voice. But I don’t remember reading anything in the bible that speaks against this type of arrangement. We wouldn’t be fornicating, it’s artificial insemination. Yes, I’ve read Deuteronomy 23:2, but my interpretation of this scripture is that it is referring to a child being produced from sex with someone who is not your spouse. Thou shall not artificially inseminate is not the 11th commandment, so don’t come for me. The trick is finding someone that would be willing to sign that contract. But what better benefit of friendship than producing a baby together. I want that benefit…give me the pen and sign me up.

The risks of a deal such as this: loss of or changes to the dynamics of that friendship, developing an attachment beyond friendship, not agreeing when it comes to raising your child, jealousy if that person enters into a romantic relationship with someone. But aren’t those the same risks you take when you have unprotected sex with someone? Because if you’re having unprotected sex then you’re saying you want to get pregnant right? I mean the production of a baby shouldn’t come as a surprise.

All I know is that I’m working on the first draft of my ‘Friends With Real Benefits’ contract and I’ll present it to him again in about 2 years when he’s closer to forty and not in a committed relationship.

As always Laughers,

~Keep Laughing


Kitta is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

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