I’m Coming Out…Of The Friend Zone

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As a single Black woman I can definitely feel the effects of the lack of good, single Black men. It may seem that all the good ones are taken, married, or they don’t meet our, often times, extensive list of qualifications. But many of us, especially women, tend to quickly categorize everyone we meet. There is the potential mate zone, the booty call zone, and the infamous friend zone. Why do we seem to put so many men in the friend zone so quickly and why do we often refuse to rezone them? When your kids are zoned to a particular school and you don’t think they are benefiting from the curriculum or maybe they are just advanced in their learning, beyond what they are getting from that school, you’ll figure out a way to get them in a different school in another zone correct? Because their education and growth is important to you. That’s exactly how we should treat these ‘friend zone’ situations. We often spend and waste so much time looking for love that we don’t see that love exists right under our noses. We may talk to and see our love on a daily or at least regular basis, but we call it friendship. But like the popular 90s R&B group Shai sang, “If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure the lady is a friend.” They say the best relationships start out as friends, but do we really live by that creed?

I was listening to online radio one day at work and the crew read a letter written by a woman that had a male friend of over 18 years. During the years he expressed many times that he wanted to be more than friends and finally after 18 years she decided to date him, but now she’s disappointed that he hasn’t made more of a commitment to her. Now for 18 years he watched you date other men, obviously unsuccessful because she’s still single, and after making him wait you want him to jump into a commitment with you? How sway? Is it fair to make him rush when you’ve made him wait for so long? So why do we friend zone people so quickly and why are we so hesitant to go beyond the friend zone? Speaking from personal experience, I never want to assume that every guy that approaches me wants to get with me. So I always consider their approach to just be of a friendly nature or him just being polite or just striking up a friendly conversation. Steve Harvey says that every guy has an agenda and no guy wants to just be your friend. He is always waiting on the right moment to slide in and take that friendship to the next level. I don’t think that’s always true. I have 2 really good guy friends that I trust and are very comfortable with and neither of them have ever tried anything. And recent events prove that we can’t rely on Steve’s advice, and the fact that he’s on his third marriage may prove that he’s not the expert that he has so confidently deemed himself.

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So let’s discuss why and how people get friend zoned and how to climb your way out of the abyss of friend zoneness, if you so choose. Most of us have a list of qualifications for our potential mate, a sometimes very unrealistic list. If the person we meet does not match the items on that list, but they still prove to be a good human and someone you could have fun with, they may immediately get dismissed and thrown into the friend zone basket. Sometimes we have these friendships that have lasted for years, someone you really care about and would be devastated if they left your life so you’re not willing to take the risk of ruining it by attempting a romantic relationship. We also friend zone people out fear of rejection or being hurt. When you are carrying baggage from your past it can be hard to trust, so you put everyone in the friend category to avoid the potential of being let down…again. Other reasons for putting someone in the friend zone is a lack of attraction for someone or simply being incompatible with a person. Or maybe that attraction was there and that person did something disgusting, immoral, or unethical that turns you off. Deciding to start a relationship with anyone is a risk because no one can predict the outcome. And if you decide to move a valuable friendship into relationship territory it can be even more of a risk. First, you need to establish how strong your feelings are and if you feel that your friendship is worth the risk of losing if this relationship doesn’t work or your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do. You can try to establish rules in the beginning like, the friendship won’t change or if it doesn’t work out you’ll work on just being friends again. But let’s face it, that’s a bunch of BULL! It’s damn near impossible to go from being friends, to lovers and seeing each other naked and, if y’all part ways, go back to being just friends. Someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt, things will be said, and people will move on to other relationships. After that, ain’t no mo friendship bih!

Now that you’ve decided that you actually want to use your graveling hook to climb out the friend zone hole, let’s talk about how to actually do that. Depending on how close you are with the individual that you’ve friend zoned, or that has friend zoned you, very few people will know them like you do. That’s your advantage…show them how much you know and understand them. Now don’t do this in a manipulative way, but what better person to have a relationship with than someone who already knows you and all your little funny and disgusting habits. With a stranger, you have to teach and show them who you are and what you like and dislike. When you’ve already established a friendship with someone, the rest should be fairly easy. I’m not saying you won’t experience the same hurdles that all relationships do, but the getting to know each other process shouldn’t be as hard as it would be with a stranger. The most important thing you can do is be patient. It may not be easy for your friend to go from friendship to relationship, especially if they had no idea you had feelings for them beyond friendship. Give them time to process it. If you sincerely care for this person and want to experience a future with them, respect their feelings and their space if they need it.

If you’re trying to get out of the friend zone I hope it works out for you. And if they reject you, F*** em…they weren’t that cute anyway.

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product and event coverage.

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Losing My Religion

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Judge not lest you be judged. Meaning do not judge unfairly or selfishly. That’s what the bible says right? Yeah, it’s right there in Matthew 7:1…I just read it. So why do so many Christians specialize in being judgmental? For example, on a Saturday outing with my mom and aunt, my aunt asked if she could ask me a question. My reply, “sure, if I can answer honestly.” Before we get into that question, let’s take a little trip down memory lane. I grew up as Baptist the first few years of my life and then as a Jehovah’s Witness from the age of 9 until I was 18. I never really accepted all of their beliefs, always having questions but never speaking my mind. For example, when someone makes a mistake [sins] they are shunned. Forget the fact that everyone sins daily, consciously and unconsciously, because we know bout YOUR sin…because YOUR sin is public knowledge, we’re painting the scarlet letter on your chest until WE think you have redeemed yourself. What happened to ‘come as you are’? Everyone makes mistakes?

Back to my aunt’s curiosity…her question, “Did you not like serving Jehovah?” My response, “I still serve God, why would you ask me that?” She looks me in the eyes and says, “No, I mean Jehovah.” “Wait…you mean the same God you serve?” She says, “People aren’t always referring to Jehovah when they say God.” “Well I’m talking about the SAME God you’re speaking of. The bible calls Him by many names so YES we’re talking about the same God. Did you think I was talking about this ice in my cup. You think I’m worshipping ice sculptures now?” I asked her why she thought I didn’t like serving God. She said because of the activities I partake in and the fact that I have separated myself from that particular religion. “Soooo you mean since I’m out here freestyle sinning, I must have put God on the back burner?” She pretty much said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.” Ha…wow. Never mind the fact that she’s being extremely judgmental right now…I’m a SINNER in her eyes.

Am I a bad person because I’m not connected to a church? Why do I need to be affiliated with a church or a religion to prove that I believe in or serve God? People attend church for a number of reasons:

  • They feel the need to be connected to other like-minded people
  • It’s part of their faith
  • To get and stay close to God
  • For spiritual guidance
  • Or because they were brought up that way

For me, it started out because that’s how I was brought up. Living in the house with my grandmother and watching her go to church every time the doors opened, naturally I thought that’s what you were suppose to do. I mean, how else was I going to avoid going to hell? It became a habit, a part of this thing we call life on earth. It then became a means to stay close to God. How could I be close to and have a relationship with God without being in church? As I got older I attended church because that’s what my circle of friends did. I wanted to be around them and if they went to church, I went to church too…monkey see, monkey do.

Once I realized that I didn’t have to be in church to have a relationship with God, which is the most important thing, I actually started focusing on my relationship with Him more. Like me show you what that looks like if that doesn’t make since to you. When I attended church on Sundays and Tuesday, I often waited until then to fall into worship and talk to God. I depended on the preacher to guide me into prayer, to hype me up to give Him praise. Like I couldn’t do it on my own. The preacher had to tell me what I should be grateful for and motivate me to tell Him thank You.

I lost interest in attending church a long time ago. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t bring myself to get up every Sunday morning. I don’t party much so I wasn’t staying out late every Saturday night, so being too sleepy or tired wasn’t the issue. The last time I attended church was Easter…pretty cliché of those non-church going people. You know, the Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day attendees. While I resided in Memphis I was a regular Sunday morning worship, Tuesday night bible study, Thursday night singles ministry member. But I realized that it wasn’t church itself that I was drawn to. It was the company I kept at the church that drew me in. I made some pretty awesome, lifetime connections. If it weren’t for my ministry group, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been in attendance on a regular basis. Once I moved back home I searched and searched for the perfect church. I couldn’t find what I had in Memphis and that’s when I realized that my main reason for attending was because of my friends. I struggled to find that same connection. I was looking for friends, like-minded people…not religion. I wasn’t searching for God. I talk to God everyday, not just when I’m at church. It finally hit me that I was losing my religion, thank God. And it was one of the best decisions I’ve made.

Until next time Laughers,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

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The Highs and Lows of Being in Leadership

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

According to Forbes.com, leadership is defined as: a process of social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, towards the achievement of a goal. For me, leadership has many definitions, and comes with many responsibilities. There are many benefits to being in leadership, and sometimes it can really SUCK! From afar, being in a leadership position can look glamorous, some may think it comes with power, prestige, and privilege. Now I’m not here to give you a seminar on how to be a better leader. I’m going to give you a real inside look on what it’s like to be in leadership. I’m going to tell you about the sucky side and some of the things that makes me want to kick a hole in the nearest wall almost everyday.Whether you’re a leader on your job or you’re in organizational leadership, there are highs and lows of holding that position. How do I know anything about leadership? Well, I have 10+ years of organizational leadership and management experience.

I’m a retail manager by day, and blogger by night. I’m proud of my accomplishments in my current job, even though my degree has absolutely nothing to do with my current job. I started out as a sales lead, was promoted to assistant manger and 1 year ago this month was promoted to manager. It’s not my first choice for a job but it pays my bills, offers great benefits, and is helping me fund my future career. I’m grateful for the experiences and lessons I’ve learned…the good and the bad. I’ve also discovered that it takes a strong person to be in a leadership role. The highs can make you feel good about your position while the lows will make you want to run and hide under your desk…forever! Whether it’s in the retail industry, ministry, or organizational, leadership can be very emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.

Let’s talk about those lows first, so we can end on a positive note. 😉

Picture courtesy of LinkedIn.com

(picture courtesy of linkedin.com)

Lows

There is no such thing as working 9 – 5, eight hour days do not exist. I usually arrive to work between 7:30 – 8:00am and don’t make it home until about 6:00pm or 6:30pm everyday. That’s almost 11 hours of work, of which I’m only getting paid for 8. Whenever someone asks what time I get off work and I say 5:00pm, their response is, “Oh so I’ll see you around 7:00pm”, because anyone that knows me knows that I never leave work on time.

Being a leader can often feel like being a babysitter because you are, essentially, responsible for everyone that is under your supervision. I spend 75% of my time reminding my team to essentially do their job. I’m always telling them the same thing over and over again. I have to watch them to make sure they don’t stick their fingers in any sockets or put any foreign objects in their mouths, just like babies. Well, not literally, but you get the picture.

Even when you have a so-called off day, you’re still working. If something goes wrong, or they need help understanding something, the head person in charge is the first person they call. My phone rings almost everyday during a time when I’m not at work, with a question from an employee that is usually not important. Now I do have some that will take the time to figure it out themselves. Then there are those who act as if their heads will explode if they stop and take a minute to think and at least try to figure it out. Nope, call the boss because if no one else knows, the boss has the answer. Who cares if the boss is on vacation, surely he/she doesn’t mind taking a call from work.

Clearly you are the ONLY person that knows how to anything and resolve all issues, because they don’t ask anyone but YOU for help. If you’re the leader, you’re the go-to person for EVERYTHING! From fixing the computer when it freezes to unclogging the toilet, you’re the one person that is expected to know how to do it all…even if you don’t, the expectation is so high you’ll fake it (no pun intended). You are expected to make all the hard decisions.

Leaders are the protector of all things. At the end of the day, you are responsible for everything that does and doesn’t happen. When one of your employees or organization members messes up, a good leader will usually do whatever they can to cover for them. How well they do their job and the knowledge they have about the task at hand is a reflection of your leadership skills. And you often end of taking the blame for whatever mistakes have been made. For example, I had a customer to get upset with me, on my off day, because I didn’t solve her problem as fast as she thought I should. Instead of being upset with my employee that was actually at work, she wanted to submit a complain on me because my employee made a mistake. Never mind that I was helping resolve this issue on my own personal time.

Because you are the HPIC (Head Person In Charge) you are expected to be available at all times. It’s like you are expected to sit on phone and wait for someone to call so you can be of service to them. You sacrifice a lot of your personal time for your career, which may cause you to miss a lot functions and events with your family and friends. You never leave work on time, and unfortunately people get use to you rarely being available because of work.

People like to be rewarded like dogs love getting Scooby snacks. In the past, I’ve held friendly competitions between my employees to motivate them to work harder or achieve a company goal. But lately they actually expect me to reward them for doing what they were hired to do…WORK! One of my employees asked me to buy them cupcakes as a reward for being hard workers. Ummm excuse me?! You want me to reward you for doing what you were expected to always do every time you come to work? No ma’am! That’s crazy! Yes, your hard work will eventually pay off in one way or another. It is a leaders job to keep the morale and everyone’s spirit lifted in the workplace, to motivate and inspire their employees to perform at their best. What they shouldn’t expect is a reward or a pat on the back for simply showing up for work and doing their job.

Now let’s talk about the highs, the benefits of being in leadership. I promised you I’d end on a positive note, so here it is:

Highs

I make more money than everyone and I get to delegate to my team, most of the tasks I don’t want to do. J/K… My 10+ years of leadership experience has taught me many skills that I can use in every area of my life. No matter what career I choose, because this is not my last stop, I can carry all my skills and qualifications with me and apply them to help me do my job better. As stressful as it can be, I enjoy being in leadership. I believe my job puts me in the position to not only motivate my people to do a better job, but it also puts me in a position to uplift and empower them in other areas of their lives. Because all eyes are on me, I can set an example and inspire someone else to do better. Also, being chosen as a leader, and having others allow you to lead them, is an honor. It means that someone, well several people actually, think that you have what it takes to WIN! You have the ability to take that organization or business to the next level. You are seen as an ambitious, determined, trustworthy and dependable person. So to all my leaders out there that are about to run head first into that wall, STOP! Just remember that you’re in that position because people believe in you and your leadership abilities and that should make you feel pretty darn good…until tomorrow at least! 😉

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

Things My Kids Don’t Need To Know: Father’s Day Edition

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

As people, in general, we make tons of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Those of us that do not have children and are not married tend to be a little more carefree because it’s just us. Those who have kids tend to be a little more careful with their choices because they have little eyes that are watching, and often times mimicking, their every move. And as a part of growing up, we also make many mistakes, mainly because we’re young and learning. Our parents try to tell what is and what’s not a good decision, but usually don’t listen. We think we know what’s best for us and we sometimes can’t rely on what our parents are trying to tell us because we don’t know that they have been there, done that, and they have the Polaroid to prove it. Polaroid because, you know, they’re old (don’t send your parents for me because I called them old). It’s a blessing when we do actually learn from our mistakes and make positive changes in our lives. It sucks when we keep making the same mistakes and never grow from the place of immaturity to mature adult. Well, I talked to a few fathers who have made the transition to mature adult despite the mistakes they’ve made.

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Is That A Gun In Your Backpack?

“I have several things that I regret now that I wouldn’t want my kids to find out. My senior year of high school I was expelled from school for having a gun at school. I brought shame to myself and my family. I don’t think that’s something I would tell my children unless I felt it was beneficial to them. The good news is that I later went to college and graduated.” ~A.J.

I Love Twix

As most good parents do, you teach your kids about right and wrong, including not taking things that don’t belong to you. Well I remember there being a warehouse not too far from where I lived when I was growing up. My friends and I made more than one trip stealing cases of candy bars from their trucks. I’m a fan of Twix so it wasn’t too hard to convince me to do the dirty deed. I knew it was wrong and looking back I can’t believe that I did that. I was always paranoid that my mom would be cleaning my room and find the boxes of candy under my bed…luckily she never did.” ~C.B. (SN: I grew up next door to these young men and I’m a little upset that they never shared any of those goodies they stole. I never knew anything about a candy warehouse. Not that I condone stealing, but they could have thrown a snicker my way.)

Skating Around With ‘Kesha’

“I went to jail trying to sell weed. I got busted at the skating rink when they decided to search us and I had a joint that I had in a little baggy that I actually forgot was in my pocket. As they were throwing me up against the wall my cousin was calling my mom. I was 20 and still living with my mom at the time. She went into my room and found my stash…she threw away a pound and a half of Marijuana. I was so sick, but I would never want my baby girl to know her daddy tried to be a drug dealer.” ~G.B.

A Crackhead Will Steal From Anyone

“When I was younger I once stole money from my girlfriends purse to buy drugs. Now what father would want their kids to know that they were so low at one point that they actually went into a woman’s purse and took her money?”~CH.B.

I Loved The Ladies…Too Much

“This really isn’t a secret to those who have known me for years, but in my single days I was addicted to women…literally. At one point in my life I managed 9 committed/labeled girlfriends at once. And the adrenaline rush of getting caught drove me to desire more. My daughters (and wife) will never know that part of my life, but my girls will learn the difference between lust and love and all the possible angles men can utilize to have relations with them.” ~D.C.

I Love Your Mom…Now

“I would be embarrassed for my son to know how I treated his mom before we got married. When we dated the first time I was not ready for a relationship. I remember once on her birthday, I picked her up, took her through the drive-thru at Long John Silvers and then dropped her off at home. I went to kick it with my boys on her birthday. Our relationship was pretty much over after that. We went our separate ways and pursued relationships with other people. But I’m happy to say that we found our way back to each other and are happily married. So glad God forgive me and so did she. No more Long John Silvers on her birthday.” ~S.K.

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful fathers out there. Allow your past mistakes to make you a better parent and try to steer your children in the right direction. And remember no matter how hard you try to prevent your children from going down the wrong path, they will make their own mistakes. Just be there to help them up without judgement. You were once young and probably made some of the same mistakes. And if you’re a father that doesn’t have the greatest relationship with your children, take today to make it right. Someone has to make the first move.

As Always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now. She is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in healing pain through the power of laughter.

Things You Don’t Need To Know: Mother’s Day Edition

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Do you sometimes ask your mom questions about her past? Maybe about things that happened before you were born? Like, Have you ever smoked weed?, Did you ever sneak out of the house?, We’re you a virgin before you met my father? A lot of us wonder what our mothers were like before we came along. We like to think that our mothers are perfect but, ummm, that’s just not a realistic thought. Just like we’ve done things that we aren’t so proud of and mistakes, some more than others (I’m talking about myself), our mothers made some mistakes too. There are things that they would never want you to find out because maybe they’re embarrassed or they don’t want you to follow in their footsteps. But I think in a lot of cases, if parents were more open about SOME of their past mistakes, they could actually help their children through similar situations or maybe even prevent them from going through the same thing. So in honor of Mother’s Day I found a few mothers that were brave enough to share some of their past experiences with me. Not brave enough to let me share their names, but brave none the less. Check them out:

The Dentist Is My Friend ~ by T.

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“When I was younger I dated this guy whose dad had his own janitorial business, so he had keys to several offices in our town. My boyfriend would get his dad’s keys and we would go to different places and have sex. It really didn’t matter where because we would basically do it anywhere. But there was one place we seemed to visit often, the dentist office. One day when I was taking my son to his dental appointment with his new dentist, I thought I recognized the address but couldn’t figure out if I had been there before. Once we got inside I realized this was the same dentist office me and my ex use to visit to have sex. And my son and I actually sat in the same area that our little ‘adventures’ took place. I would die if he ever knew that his mom had sex in the same office where he gets his teeth cleaned.”

Mommy’s A Liar ~ by J.

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“When I was in high school I would go midnight bowling all the time. Well, at least that’s where my parents thought I was going. I was really out with my friends going to different bars. I thought I was getting away with it, but I later found out that my mom kind of suspected that I wasn’t really bowling. But my dad totally believed I was into bowling. So much so, that I later found out he was going to buy me my own bowling ball and bag. My mom later told me she was so close to letting him buy it for me just so I would have to drag that heavy thing with me every time I claimed to go bowling. I would never want my kids to know that I was lying about my whereabouts every time I left home. And it’s scary to think that they would ever lie about where they are when they start going out with their friends.”

THOT ~ by C.

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“I have dated a lot of men. Over the period of a few years I can count at least 34 men that I have dated. And I’m 34 years old now. Of course I did not have all of these men around my son, but for a while I was ‘out there.’ I wouldn’t want my son to know that I was a THOT…That Hoe Over There.”

I Maced Your Father ~ by S.

Pepper Spray

“My relationship with my kids father has always been, for lack of a better word, rocky. We had an on and off again relationship. When he acted like a good human being we were together and happy, when he cheated with other women and even made a baby with someone else we would be broken up. Well one night my girls and I decided to hang out at a local club. Well, we hung out in the parking lot because, like most of the people hanging out in the parking lot, we weren’t old enough get in. What I didn’t know was that my boyfriend was also in the parking lot and he had another girl in his car. Of course I flipped out, although you would think I’d use to this behavior by now. We got into an argument and I ended up spraying him in the face with the mace I had attached to my key ring. We are not together today because I was finally smart enough to walk away. And I do not talk bad about him in front of my children because I never want them to know what kind relationship I had with their father. I don’t want to paint a bad picture of him and I definitely do not want them to think that I was stupid for putting up with his mess, LOL.”

Petty Theft ~ By M.

shoplifting

“When I was younger I hung out with these two girls that were a really bad influence. We went to a store together one day and after we returned home one of them pulled out a pair of earrings she had stolen. I was shocked that she stole something and amazed that it was that easy to get away with it. We started going to various stores and shoplifting. We would take a shirt or a pair of pants. Well one day, unknown to us, store security was watching us. As we left the store security stopped us and we were escorted back into the store. Long story short we spent the night in jail. We were charged with misdemeanor theft and had to pay fines, given community service, and we were put on probation for one year. That’s why it’s so important for me to know my kid’s friends. I need to know who they are hanging around and where they are going when they leave the house. I don’t want them to have any bad influences that will lead to them making a stupid mistake that could follow them for years. I also don’t want them to be the bad influence on someone else, which is why I do my best to make sure they know right from wrong and the consequences of doing wrong.”

Taking The Back Roads ~ by K.

"Will it take you long to fix it ?.I have to be home in twenty minutes."

“One day after school I went to visit my boyfriend, one my parents didn’t know about. When I left I was rushing home because it was almost time for my mom to be home. On my way home my car stopped on a back road that I didn’t have any business being on because it was coming from my boyfriend’s house. Of course I had to call my mom. When she asked me why I was on that back road I told her that a police car was behind me so I turned onto another because I was nervous that he was going to give me a ticket. Well, my fuel pump had gone out on my car and I went like a month without a car because my mom made me save the money to have my car fixed. Something always goes wrong when you’re doing something that you’re not suppose to be doing. I wouldn’t want my son to know that I had relationships that my parents didn’t know about. I wouldn’t want him hiding anything like that from me. And my car stopping on that back road could have been a worse situation than it was if I didn’t have a way to call for help.”

WOW! You mothers are something else! But we’ve all done some things that we aren’t proud of. It’s called life! I know there are some things I would never want my kids to know but thankfully I’m never having kids so I won’t have to worry about that. But if I did have children, and they can read, ummmmm since mommy is a blogger that puts ALL of business out there for the world to read about…they will be able to read about all of my stupid mistakes. And I think I would be okay with that. If it helps them to know that mommy went through the same thing they may be currently going through, I’m fine with them knowing about the time I played the fool for a guy…several guys. Oh geez! Happy Mother’s Day Laughers!

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

I Don’t Bite

Markitta-1011ad

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

It’s Saturday night, I’ve picked out a cute outfit, attempted to achieve a cute hair style, and put on a small amount of make-up. Just enough to make me look a little less homely but not so much that I’ve transformed into a completely different person. And no, I’m not preparing for a date, I’m prepping for a night out with my girls to celebrate one of my best friend’s birthday. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, you know, feeling all brand new, like I’m fresh out of the shrink wrap. Now I don’t go out looking for prospects, especially at a club, but it’s always nice to be noticed by the opposite sex. Even though we girls have the tendency to turn down most men that approach us because most of us are picky (I mean have high standards), it’s a boost of confidence to know that others find us cute enough or interesting enough to approach us.

So we’re having a good time, dancing and having a few drinks, and I’m in chill mode. And I think I have a welcoming smile on my face, you know, still thinking that I’m cute. As time goes on, all three of my friends have been approached by guys. Even my married friend gets approached…she turned him down of course, in fact every guy that approached my circle was turned down, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m standing over here giving my best “I’m single, approach me” face and I’m left feeling like the ugly duckling. What the freak?!?! I mean do I have permanent buggers in my nose? Doo doo breath? One of my eyes is bigger than the other but you can’t really tell unless you stare at me for a few minutes. Wait…OMG…are they staring at me?! Anyway, I’m here too, I don’t bite, and I want to be approached! Even if I do turn them all down…it’s the principle of the matter.

I always get compliments from the opposite sex and I think I’m cute so what is it that makes me unapproachable? What message am I sending that stops people, particularly men, from coming up to me in a social setting? Well, when trying to see yourself for what it really is, sometimes it’s best to ask others how they see you because that view can sometimes be different from the view you have of yourself.

So when I asked a few guys, and girls, what makes a girl unapproachable and I got pretty good answers…most of which applied to me:

What makes a girl unapproachable?

1) Her attitude

2) Her appearance

3) Frowning (not smiling)

4) Body shape and facial features

5) The way she’s dressed

6) If she looks like she’s not having fun (if we’re in a social setting)

After getting these responses I realized that I am guilty of four of the items on this list.  WOW! I have to admit, I kind of know why I rarely, almost never, get approached when out in social settings. I tend to have my guard up because, I hate having to turn people down if I’m not interested. Yes, I hate turning people down. Instead of just saying I’m not interested I always say, “Sorry I’m taken.” I’m such a liar! Sometimes I just really don’t want to be bothered. When I want to just chill with my girls and have a good time, I consciously don’t smile because I don’t want to be approached. The problem is I think I frown more often than smile. I simply don’t look approachable. So my goal is to become more approachable, and I’ve compiled a list of things I’m going to do to achieve that goal.

1) Smile 🙂

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Smiling makes you appear more confident. There is an attraction factor which makes people more drawn to you when you smile.

2) I’m going to have fun…or at least make it look like I’m having fun!

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People want to be around someone who they enjoy spending time with…I mean, who doesn’t like to have fun?! AYYEEEE TURN UP!

3) Be more confident!

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When I worked as a bartender and waitress in a night club (yep I worked in a night club) there was a girl who frequented the club almost every Friday and Saturday. She was what I would consider ‘less than attractive‘, but she always captured the attention of several guys in the club. One of the bodyguards made the comment, “She may not be the most attractive girl in the club but she has confidence. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks, she loves herself and guys are attracted to that type of confidence.

4) Appearance

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I’m not a ‘heels and dresses/skirts everyday‘ kind of girl, but I do own a few pair of heels that I can throw on for special occasions. So from here on out I am going to start taking more care with my appearance. Now I’m not a sloppy girl, I don’t live in sweats and sneakers all the time but I am not a fan of wearing heels all the time either, even though I own so many pair that many of them still have the price tags on them. But I will make a conscious effort to make myself more ‘appealing and approachable’. And I’ll throw on some lip gloss and mascara at least 3 times a week. 😉

If you have more suggestions on how one can make themselves more approachable, please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Why Does He Stay?!

Markitta-1011ad

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

At some point all of us good girls have looked at “bad girls” and wondered why that type of girl always seems to get the guy. You know, the girl that is not so nice of a human being. The one who has a reputation for getting it in, has multiple baby daddies, cares more about partying than taking care of business, and doesn’t even really keep herself up. And the guy that most consider to be a “good guy” is the one that is drawn to her and seems to get attached and falls in love. The freak?! And yes I’m calling myself a good girl. Don’t judge me on my past, just take my word for it TODAY.

I can give you several examples but to keep your attention I’ll just talk about one situation that I am familiar with. I have an associate that I’ve known for about 15 years now. He’s been married for a while now and their relationship has been filled with enough drama to have at least 3 good drama filled seasons of a VH1 or Bravo TV reality show. They break up, she kicks him out, she changes the lock, they get back together. This is their pattern. They also have three kids, of which only one is his. Yes, she conceived all three of these children while they were together and yes he knows that they all have different fathers. Now that alone would send most men packing, but not this guy. And what I thought was going to be the last straw, but it wasn’t, was when she falsely accused him of hitting her and had him arrested in front of their children. But I guess he still has a more straws to suck on before he’s had enough. One week later I saw them together at the mall. He was so embarrassed when he saw me that he held his head down and didn’t even speak. Now don’t get me wrong, I know they are married and marriage is suppose to be for life…that’s the vow they made before God. But I do not believe that God intended for us live our lives unhappy. And I’m pretty sure he has done his share of dirt, but how much is too much? I’ve seen how unhappy he is and his excuse for staying…the kids. He says he doesn’t want to leave his kids and wants them to grow up with a mother AND father.

Kudos to him for wanting his children to have an active father but I think he is doing more damage by staying in this dysfunctional situation than he would do if he left. You can still be a father to your kids without being in a relationship with the mother. I know some men think it’s not possible but it is. So along with wanting the best for your kids, when do you start to think about yourself?

  2.7.12.parentsfighting  Is it in your kids best interest to see you move out every other month and have their mother change the locks? Is it in your kids best interest to see their father being handcuffed and arrested? Is it in your kids best interest to see their father unhappy? This is the most common excuse I hear from men that are in unhappy relationships. They stay because of their kids.

ds_img_direct.php I think that reasoning is just a lame excuse, so let me just be Kitta and say what’s really on my mind. There are a lot of men have that “captain save a hoe” mentality. They see a woman in distress, a woman that has potential, a woman they think they can change and make into a housewife. They see a woman that’s crying out for help and they must save her from that man that has done her wrong or that life that has treated her so unfairly (because of course that’s why she acts the way she does). Well guess what, fat meat is still as greasy as ever and that hoe can’t be turned into a housewife. You don’t stay for the kids, you stay because you fell in love with a not so good girl. Tell the truth and shame the devil! Oh, sorry I got kind of riled up for a minute.

Now I know you men that are reading this are thinking the same thing about us women. We end up falling in love with a no good dude and stay because we just can’t seem to break away from the hold he has on us. Yes that happens too, it’s happened to me. But the difference between men and women is that men don’t usually stick around in a bad situation as long as women do. So when you see a man constantly running back to a woman that continues to do him wrong you must know what it is that she is doing to keep him coming back. So my question is why does he stay? The man who is genuinely a good guy that is attached to a woman that some may not think deserves him. The man who’s in love with a girl that will never give all of herself to him because she just doesn’t want to. The man who stays with the girl that cheats on him, doesn’t have her ish together, doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to love him, and could care less about taking care of home. Why does he stay?

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Not My Baby!

Markitta-1011ad

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

We all know at least one parent that thinks their child can do no wrong. Or that their child would never act a certain way or is capable of bad or less that favorable behavior. You know, the type that have kids that appear to be angels in front of the parents but are actually little devils.

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That’s right, DEVILS…imps! It’s enough to make you want to take your belt off and whoop the parent for all the bad things you KNOW their child has done. Oh, so you don’t know anyone like that?! Let me give you an example. Growing up I had an aunt and uncle that, for some reason, didn’t want me to play with their daughter…MY OWN COUSIN! We even lived next door to each other. And the sad part is my cousin and I were very close, like best friends. Can you imagine living next door to your best friend and not being allowed to play with them? I wasn’t welcomed in their house, no sleepovers, and she couldn’t tag along with me and my other cousins when we took little trips into town (I’m from a little country town)…NOT EVEN TO THE GROCERY STORE!

For some reason I was considered a “bad influence”. Even though I was generally a good kid, with the exception of the few times that all kids get in trouble for doing the stupid things that all kids do. I was a good student, always made the honor roll and had the certificates to prove it. Even as we got older, even though I always remained a good student, wasn’t considered “fast”, didn’t do drugs or drink, or didn’t run with the wrong crowd, I still wasn’t good enough to associate with their daughter.

So what makes a parent think that their child is too good? That their child is incapable of certain “unspeakable acts”? I’m not a parent but I’m sure it’s easier and comforting for every parent to believe their child, or children, is a saint…that they would never do anything unethical or immoral. Unfortunately we don’t live in a world of butterscotch and gumdrops, we live in America and your precious baby is probably doing all sorts of McNasty things.

Some parents are overprotective. You know the kind, they shield their kids from the bad seeds in order to block the bad influence. But most of the time their kids ARE the bad influence. For example, growing up I had a friend who had very strict parents. They made every attempt to keep her away from certain influences, rarely allowing her to socialize with other kids, attend school functions, or attend any outings on the weekends. Well, she would sneak out of the house at lest twice a week, had more boyfriends in high school than I’ve had in my lifetime, and ended up pregnant before graduation. She had THE WORST reputation in school! So all of her parents protective efforts FAILED!

I’ve learned to always expect the unexpected. You absolutely cannot put anything past anyone. Every child, no matter how well behaved, is going to step out of bounds at some point. Of course you want to keep your children away from gangs, drugs, sex, and whatever else you think will cause a downfall in their lives. But you can never say what your child won’t do.

Oh, and as far as that situation with my cousin, well let me just say I love her dearly (the disclaimer). She was always into more trouble than I was. I have no kids and no baby daddies and I’m proud to say I’m a college graduate with a good head on my shoulders. I am an avid giver, that has created many community service projects and an entrepreneur in the making. She has 4 kids and I’m not sure how many baby daddies. Now I’m not throwing shade at my cousin because once again I love her dearly. But as I said before, you can never say what your child will and will not do. If her parents had allowed us to spend more time together I could have possibly been a better influence for her. Oh well, hate to say I told you so but…

As always…Keep Laughing!

Follow me: Twitter
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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

So You Think You Can Blog

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

I’ve been blogging for almost a year now.  I’m not an expert blogger and I don’t have a ton of followers, but I do have a faithful few that keep up with me and for that I am grateful and honestly honored that they enjoy my random thoughts enough to read them.  I’ve had a few people to actually ask me about my blog setup and for advice on blogging.  Can you believe it?  People are looking to me for blog help.  If I could I’d blush, but cocoa doesn’t blush so I’ll just grin really hard :-).

When my business partner returned to school to get her graduate degree, she no longer had time to write the blogs.  So in order to keep the Laugh blogs going, I quickly had to learn to navigate WordPress.  I originally wanted to use the blogs to give my business more exposure, but now I’ve fallen in love with the art of expressing myself through writing.  So, with that being said, I always try to follow the following guidelines when writing my blogs.  Now I can hear some of y’all whispering, “What makes her think she can tell anyone how to write a blog?” Again, I am not an expert!  But through trial and error I have discovered what works best for me and makes my blog look more professional.

#1 Be Open and Honest

Depending on the type of blog you’re writing and your reason for writing, determines just how open and honest, and usually opinionated, you will be.  For example, I often refer to my blog as the Laugh Blog.  My business, Can I Laugh Now?, was created for people to be able to find the funny in their most painful and embarrassing experiences. I bring people together and show them that we all make mistakes, have been hurt, and even embarrassed, and YES we will overcome and even Laugh at our mishaps one day.  If I expect people to open up and share their embarrassing stories, I myself have to be transparent and honest.  I’ve transferred this concept over to my blog.  I’ve been labeled crazy and delusional for some of my opinions displayed in my blog.  But crazy and delusional is interesting right?

#2 Proofread

There is nothing more annoying than trying to read something with typos and bad grammar.  I know when typing fast we can sometimes overlook a mistake in spelling and grammar, but that’s what spellcheck is for.  I know when you have a new blog idea you’re anxious to get it typed up and published so the world can read your thoughts.  But take the time to review and proofread before you post.  I’m paranoid of looking STOOpid so I proofread at least 5 times before I publish my blogs.  I still miss things sometime but that’s what the edit option is for.  The more typos you have, especially if said typos show up in every blog, the less traffic you’ll see on your blog.

#3 Less Is More

Keep your blog design simple.  There is no need for smoke machines and bright lights.  You want people to read your blog, not be blinded by all the colors and different fonts that you’ve used.  So start with a simple background, white or even a nice photo of yourself or something that represents the theme or purpose of your blog.  It took me a year of playing around with templates and colors to get my blog the way I wanted it.  So don’t be afraid to try out new templates and colors until you find something you’re satisfied with.

#4 Again, Less Is More

Don’t try to sound smart by using big words.  There’s no need to try prove to everyone you have a college degree by using words you learned in your English, Philosophy, or African-American Studies class.  Just have a regular conversation with your readers.  No one likes a smarty pants. And throw in a photo or two…just to break up the monotony of reading.

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#5 Support For Support

If you want people to support anything you are doing, you have to return that same support.  For example, I want people to read and share my blog with others so I can gain more exposure.  So I try to support other bloggers, especially those I know personally.  The one thing that bothers me most is when you ask someone for advice or tips and they act stingy.  If you have already gotten where I’m trying to go, why not help me get there too?  I understand that some people are afraid that someone will come along and be better than them, but that’s why you have to perfect your craft and be irreplaceable.

I hope these few tips are helpful to you on your blogging journey.  Again, I’m not an expert, but I’ve learned a few things from fellow bloggers and through the trial and error of my own blog.

Happy blogging! And as always…Keep Laughing

~Kitta

Follow me: Twitter
Like me: Facebook
Share my world: Instagram
Laugh with me: YouTube
Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Little People, Big World

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Turning Laughter Into Pain Since 2011

Let’s face it, when it comes to dating, size matters.  Wipe that smirk off your face, when I say size I mean height. Children measuring height  Unfortunately, what first attracts us to a person is looks.  As much as people like to say “it doesn’t matter what a person looks like”, we all have something that we like about and look for physically in a potential mate.  Whether you’re a leg or butt man, or a woman that is attracted to muscles or a man’s eyes, looks play at least a small role in what draws you to a person.  But what about height?  Do you have a height requirement when dating?  Can a person be too tall or too short?  Does your height determine your character or how one will conduct themselves in a relationship?  I mean surely you can’t judge a person based on their height.

I’ve noticed that most men do not care about height, unless they are what is considered short for a man.  Those men that are height challenged seem to associate height with their ego or manhood.  They feel as if a woman that is taller than them might make them look less like the one who wears the pants in the relationship, taking away from their manhood.  Women equate height with protection.  We want to feel like our man can protect us.  So if he isn’t taller than us AFTER we put on put on our heels, he probably won’t make the cut.  Except for Kevin Hart’s girlfriend, she loves him even with her heels on.  She LOVES her little person!  Just kidding, I love Kevin Hart and he looks extremely happy whenever he’s with his girl, height challenge and all.

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I have a few male friends that are height challenged.  I mean I’m barely hitting 5’0 myself so I don’t hang around a lot of giants.  I choose not to be the midget of the group so I stick to my own kind.  But one friend in particular is currently pursuing a girl that is taller than him.  Not that I don’t think he is man enough to handle her, it’s just odd to picture them together.  So when I mentioned this subject to some of my Laughers, tall and short, they had an opinion about it too.

The Male Perspective

“I think the height should be close, give or take 3 – 4 inches.  The tallest I’ve dated was 6’4 and the shortest was 5’2…it just didn’t look right.”  ~S.H.

“I don’t want to date a woman way taller than me.  It’s a little awkward for me–like a circus act.”  ~E.B.

“My height helps me.  Women love my height but to me it doesn’t matter, it’s all about heart.  If the heart is good then the height doesn’t matter.” ~B.J.

“Height doesn’t matter to me.  I got a 6 ft side chick right now…she’s 6’3 with heels.”  ~C.C.

The Women Speak

“In dating, height matters because you have personal preferences and you are just getting to know them.  Now me personally, I just want you to be taller than me, and I’m short so it really hasn’t been an issue finding that.”  ~R.H.

“You can’t protect me if you’re shorter than me.”  ~C.B.

“Height shouldn’t matter but it does.  Whoever I date has to be at least the same height as me with heels on.  I just don’t feel comfortable with a short man.  I want to feel like my man can protect me if I’m in danger and I just wouldn’t feel secure with someone short.”  ~A.N.G.

“It shouldn’t matter but honestly, and this may sound shallow, we’re usually initially attracted to people because of their appearance: physique, build and height are things that we look at.  I don’t want to be towering over my man.  I want to feel protected and safe and a short man makes me feel like he can’t supply those things.  But I do know that a short man is very capable of doing those things.”  ~A.G.

“For me height does matter.  I’m almost 6 ft tall and I prefer a man to be at least my height or taller.  I’m not saying that I would never give a short guy a chance, but it’s not my first choice.  I like the idea of being able to wear heels and not hovering over my date.”  ~L.K.

So as you can see the men are pretty divided on the issue of height.  But I will say the two that said height DOES matter are both what I consider height challenged.  LOL!  Now the ladies all have the same concern that I stated before, protection.  We, for some reason, think height means we are safe and protected.  Now before all the short men jump out of their clown car and attack me, let me just state a few things in your favor.  I am very well aware that just because a guy is tall or taller than the woman he is dating, that doesn’t mean he could protect her any better than someone shorter.  I have personally witnessed the strength of one of my height challenged male friends.  I have also seen one of my height challenged male friends jump in and pull a child out of the pool when she started to go under.  So I know that height has nothing to do with the strength, heart and integrity of a man.  But, unfortunately, most of us would prefer a tall man, or at least taller than us.

Me personally, I prefer someone Usher’s height, build, skin color….aw hell I prefer Usher himself!  Big ups to all my short Laughers…male or female we have to stick together.  We’re just little people in a big world.

Until next time Laughers…Keep Laughing!

~Kitta

Follow me: Twitter
Like me: Facebook
Share my world: Instagram
Laugh with me: YouTube
Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.