Why Does He Stay?!

Markitta-1011ad

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

At some point all of us good girls have looked at “bad girls” and wondered why that type of girl always seems to get the guy. You know, the girl that is not so nice of a human being. The one who has a reputation for getting it in, has multiple baby daddies, cares more about partying than taking care of business, and doesn’t even really keep herself up. And the guy that most consider to be a “good guy” is the one that is drawn to her and seems to get attached and falls in love. The freak?! And yes I’m calling myself a good girl. Don’t judge me on my past, just take my word for it TODAY.

I can give you several examples but to keep your attention I’ll just talk about one situation that I am familiar with. I have an associate that I’ve known for about 15 years now. He’s been married for a while now and their relationship has been filled with enough drama to have at least 3 good drama filled seasons of a VH1 or Bravo TV reality show. They break up, she kicks him out, she changes the lock, they get back together. This is their pattern. They also have three kids, of which only one is his. Yes, she conceived all three of these children while they were together and yes he knows that they all have different fathers. Now that alone would send most men packing, but not this guy. And what I thought was going to be the last straw, but it wasn’t, was when she falsely accused him of hitting her and had him arrested in front of their children. But I guess he still has a more straws to suck on before he’s had enough. One week later I saw them together at the mall. He was so embarrassed when he saw me that he held his head down and didn’t even speak. Now don’t get me wrong, I know they are married and marriage is suppose to be for life…that’s the vow they made before God. But I do not believe that God intended for us live our lives unhappy. And I’m pretty sure he has done his share of dirt, but how much is too much? I’ve seen how unhappy he is and his excuse for staying…the kids. He says he doesn’t want to leave his kids and wants them to grow up with a mother AND father.

Kudos to him for wanting his children to have an active father but I think he is doing more damage by staying in this dysfunctional situation than he would do if he left. You can still be a father to your kids without being in a relationship with the mother. I know some men think it’s not possible but it is. So along with wanting the best for your kids, when do you start to think about yourself?

  2.7.12.parentsfighting  Is it in your kids best interest to see you move out every other month and have their mother change the locks? Is it in your kids best interest to see their father being handcuffed and arrested? Is it in your kids best interest to see their father unhappy? This is the most common excuse I hear from men that are in unhappy relationships. They stay because of their kids.

ds_img_direct.php I think that reasoning is just a lame excuse, so let me just be Kitta and say what’s really on my mind. There are a lot of men have that “captain save a hoe” mentality. They see a woman in distress, a woman that has potential, a woman they think they can change and make into a housewife. They see a woman that’s crying out for help and they must save her from that man that has done her wrong or that life that has treated her so unfairly (because of course that’s why she acts the way she does). Well guess what, fat meat is still as greasy as ever and that hoe can’t be turned into a housewife. You don’t stay for the kids, you stay because you fell in love with a not so good girl. Tell the truth and shame the devil! Oh, sorry I got kind of riled up for a minute.

Now I know you men that are reading this are thinking the same thing about us women. We end up falling in love with a no good dude and stay because we just can’t seem to break away from the hold he has on us. Yes that happens too, it’s happened to me. But the difference between men and women is that men don’t usually stick around in a bad situation as long as women do. So when you see a man constantly running back to a woman that continues to do him wrong you must know what it is that she is doing to keep him coming back. So my question is why does he stay? The man who is genuinely a good guy that is attached to a woman that some may not think deserves him. The man who’s in love with a girl that will never give all of herself to him because she just doesn’t want to. The man who stays with the girl that cheats on him, doesn’t have her ish together, doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to love him, and could care less about taking care of home. Why does he stay?

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Wishing On A Star

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

A few months ago I wrote a blog stating my views on marriage.  I got a lot of feedback, mostly negative.  Which is fine, if you’re going to dish it you got to be able to take it right?  Well, after having a discussion with one of my friend’s mom, I came to the conclusion that I am definitely in the minority when it comes to my views on marriage.  My friend’s mom stated, “Girl you have issues.  It’s every little girls dream to get married.  Every woman has been planning her wedding since she was a kid.”  1001-little-boy-proposing-to-little-girl_weI beg to differ.  When I was younger I never had dreams of getting married nor had fake weddings like many little girls do.  I guess I wasn’t the average little girl.  I mean, aren’t there better things to do when you’re a kid?  Like make mud pies and take things apart to see how they work…that’s how I spent my childhood.  As a child, you have no idea what you’re doing when you set out to plan your wedding.  All you know is that you want a pretty dress that makes you look like a princess.  You don’t even think about the husband and the actual marriage.  I think even today, most adults don’t think about the marriage because they are too busy planning the wedding.

As much as I would like to believe that I’m not the only one that didn’t have childhood dreams of getting married, it seems that I am always in the minority on most issues.  So my curious little mind did a little probing to find out just how many people have their dream weddings all planned out and just how long those plans have been in place:

 Honestly, I didn’t really have those dreams when I was younger…when I hit 30, I started wondering what a life with someone would be like…now that I’m 35 and a single mother I look at life a lot differently, because my priorities are to my kids first.  I believe that if God has that person for me, He’ll send him in His time, not mine. ~L.L.

 I didn’t dream of getting married, having a wedding, or having kids as a child, which now leads me to believe that adults who dreamed of getting married when they were kids are either married or have been married before. They tend to get married young, in their twenties. Those who dreamed of marriage as a kid, end up making it their priority, while those of us who were not mesmerized by it as a kid don’t make it a priority. ~Y.S.

 I don’t know if I really agree with this statement because I really didn’t think about weddings (not marriage, but weddings) until my early twenties.  And that is mainly because I started watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC.  As far as marriage goes, I’ve only recently been obsessing about that and that’s because I’m dating someone that I would like to make me a wife one day.  But I definitely still have some growing and maturing to do before I even consider that.  I’m still trying to figure myself out as a single woman! ~M.R.

 I don’t think every little girl grows up dreaming of getting married.  In today’s society most women have an independent mindset and feel that they can do everything on their own, even have a baby without a man, LOL.  A lot of single women bring up their daughters to have this same mindset.  I consider myself to be very independent but I definitely want to get married one day.  I was one of those girls that grew up dreaming of my wedding day.  Heck I still do.  I think marriage is one the most beautiful things that God created when it is done in the right context.  Committing your entire life to just one person is so deep and amazing to me and I can’t wait to be committed to someone through marriage one day! ~A.G.

Well, Well, Well…it looks like I’m not alone this time, with the exception of A.G.  YES!  I finally have some followers.  Thank God!  I was starting to think I was an ODDBALL! (no comments please)  My friend’s mom says I have “daddy issues.”  I’m sure I do have a few “daddy issues” because my father was not active in my life.  But I do not believe that is the reason for my marriage issues.  I have no problem being committed to someone…one day.  But I just cannot see myself getting married.  I don’t believe everyone was meant to be married.  And I believe I am one of those people.  Whenever I tell someone that, their response is usually, “Awwww!”  Why feel sorry for someone who says they don’t want to get married?  Is that the ultimate goal in life…graduate high school and get married?  Hmmmm, I hope not.  There has to more to life than marriage, even though some women think of nothing more than finding a husband.  I have a few Pinterest followers that do nothing but pin wedding dresses, reception décor, engagement rings, and bridesmaid dresses.  How about pinning some recipes or some new DIY projects so I can repin them and try them when I get bored from not having a husband. 😉

marriage-vs-wedding Reality is, not everyone is going to find their prince charming.  One reason for that is most women focus on the wedding more than the actual marriage.  They spend less time making sure the man they’ve decided to marry is the man God wants them to marry, and more time worrying about finding the perfect dress, the perfect flowers, the perfect venue, and anything else that will make this day “perfect.”  Do I have any facts to back up what I’m saying? Nope, sure don’t.  This is just my opinion, what I’m feeling.  I’m in no way saying put aside your dreams of finding a husband and planning a wedding.  But, just be sure to focus more on the marriage and less on the wedding.

Until Next Time Laughers…Keep Laughing!

~Kitta

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Markitta-1021Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice.  Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

You Already Know

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Can I Laugh Now? *Turning Pain And Embarrassment Into Laughter Since 2011*

You’ve been together for almost 3 years now.  You’ve met all of his family and friends, you’ve changed your relationship status on Facebook, and there are pictures of the two of you together all over Instagram…his mama even likes you.  So when is he going to make it official and declare his undying, unwavering love for you by putting a ring on it?  You’ve discussed it, he knows you’re praying for it, but he’s not ready.

You know she’s the one.  All the other girls you’ve dated have nothing on her. She’s smart, beautiful, successful; she loves God and is great with children.  She makes you feel like no one else has ever made you feel.  You know without a doubt that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life.  But she’s is so success driven that marriage is not on her mind right now.  She wants to achieve all she can and go as high as she can in her career before she gets married and has a family.

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Waiting on Mr or Mrs right but they seem to have gotten lost?  Most people are dating for a purpose.  That purpose is usually marriage…unless you’re like me.  I’m sure what my purpose for dating is, but it sure as heck isn’t marriage.  So if you’re dating to one day reach marriage, how long is too long to wait on someone to finally be ready for marriage? Should there be a limit on how long you wait for your boyfriend/girlfriend to get themselves together? I say no. Now let me explain that no.  Everyone has their own limit or breaking point and it usually varies depending on the situation.  So technically you can’t put an official time limit on how long you are suppose to wait on someone, but we do it anyway.

So how long do you wait on someone? Well, let’s look at your relationship.  Your wait time is going to depend on YOUR relationship.  Now I need you to be honest when answering these questions, don’t lie to save face.  The first and most important question is does this person love and have a relationship with God? If the answer is no, then they definitely do not love you and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.  There is no need for you to continue reading this blog…GET OUT NOW! If the answer is yes, keep reading.

Question 2: How long have you been in a relationship with this person? It is my belief that you should date at least 2 years before expecting the commitment of marriage. If it has been less than 1 year, stop rushing it. If it’s been 2 to 3 years, have a discussion about it, but don’t push the issue. If you have to constantly push the issue of marriage on someone, you probably shouldn’t wait on them. Something that has to be forced isn’t genuine.

Question 3: Does communicating with them seem like a burden…on them? Every time you try to talk to them their body seems to get heavy.  They start to slump over in exhaustion and their facial expression suddenly goes from sugar to salt.  Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If you can’t talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend without them fighting it, you will never get anywhere in that relationship.  It will always be one-sided because only one of you will be happy, and it won’t be you.

Question 4: Would you let this person have your ATM card and pin number…all day?  You have to have a significant amount of trust to let someone have your ATM card and pin number.  At least I would because I need ALL of my money, I ain’t got time for nobody to be dipping in.  If you can’t trust someone why would try to wait it out? Now at some point just about everyone in your life will do something to make you question whether you can trust them or not.  But, if this person has caused you to lose trust in them and they are not working to regain that trust, why are you waiting for them to get it together?  If you can’t trust someone you probably have very little respect for them.  Respect and trust…without there is no need to wait.

Question 5: Really?! You need more evidence as to whether you should wait around on someone??? Come on people! Truthfully only you can answer this question.  The examples I gave above are good reasons not to stick around, but only you know the details of your relationship and before reading this blog you already knew the answer to the question.  You know that gut feeling you have right now? Yep, you already know.

Right people energize you, wrong people exhaust you.  Are you energized or exhausted?  If you’re exhausted, you’ve been waiting too long.

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Until next time Laughers…Keep Laughing!

~Kitta

Ditch The Name!

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Can I Laugh Now? *Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011*

What’s in a name, more specifically, a last name? I have always wondered why some women keep their married last name after they have gotten a divorce. I would think that after you have separated yourself from that man and situation you would be glad to also get rid of the last name associated with that man or situation.  Especially if it was a bad marriage or the divorce got ugly. But many women choose to keep their married last name after a divorce.  So what about when that ex husband marries another woman? Now he has two women with his last name. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to have his last name after he’s given to another woman.  It’s like he’s collecting trophies or trying to see how many women he can give his last to.  I know that may sound weird to you, but that’s how I see it.  And if you are a regular reader of my blogs you know that I have an unconventional way of thinking so get that confused look off your face.

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To satisfy my curiosity, I asked a few of my divorced Laughers why they chose to keep their married last name. Here’s what they had to say:

Laugher #1: “I kept my (married) last name for quite some time after my divorce so that my daughter would realize, that at some point, her father and I loved each other and that she was born into a family of love.”

Laugher #2: “Possibly convenience. If you have a lot going on ie: school, passport, military orders, ect, ect, ect, it’s necessary to keep everything consistent. It’s more than just changing your license… Takes time to call and correspond with all the necessary people, so sometimes it’s just easier to suck it up for the time being. The inconvenience of it all will definitely make me think hard about ever leaving my maiden name again.”

Laugher #3: “I still use my married name because my daughter asked me too. She wanted her and her mommy to have the same name. Otherwise I would’ve dropped it in a heartbeat!!!!”

Laugher #4: “I have had this last name for the past 11 years. The only thing I had to change when I got married was my driver’s license and my social security card…I was only 19. But now there is so much I would have to change and go through, it is just easier to keep my married last name even though we are divorced. And it bugs his new girlfriend so that’s a bonus.”

Some of these reasons I can understand, but the one about having to go through so much just to change your name back…not so much.  Yes, I understand that it may be a long time consuming process, but who wants to be stuck with the last name of a man you are no longer married to? Do you not think that if you meet someone that wants to give you his last name, at some point he may get offended that you are still holding on to ex’s last name? It’s like you’re still holding on to the past. How do you move forward holding on to something that you are no longer a part of? Maybe I’m over thinking it and I just don’t understand because I’m not in that situation. I don’t think the hassle of all the paperwork involved in changing your name is the real reason some people keep their married last name.  I think it’s the process of letting go of the past that influences people to keep that last name. For example, Tameka Raymond, Usher’s ex wife. She was married once before and she didn’t keep that last name, so why is she holding on to Raymond? Ditch it! And move on!

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~Kitta

I do?…I don’t!

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Can I Laugh Now? *Encouraging you to see the humor in life’s embarrassing moments*

Here’s what I think about marriage. I’m thinking I don’t want any parts of it. So many people ask me, “Kitta, do you really not want to get married…ever?” And my answer is YES! I really do not want to get married…EVER (in all caps so you know it’s real). Go ahead and have a seat so I can tell you my thoughts. Now if you’re happily married then kudos to you, may God continue to bless your marriage. But I gotta be honest, I talk to a diverse group of people, young, old, black, white; and none of them make me envious of the fact that they’re married and I’m not. And if you’re one of those people that I associate with, my apologies, but it’s true. Every time I talk to you I am happy to still be single.

Now I’m about to be brutally honest so don’t you judge me! And you may want to go ahead and have that seat I spoke about earlier because it’s about to get real up in here, up in here. I believe that one of my biggest fights with God is the fact that I do not want to get married, but I sometimes want to do the things that married people do. Wipe that stank look off your face! The struggle is real and I know I’m not the only one who thinks and feels that way. I’m just one of the few that’s bold enough to admit it and share it with the readers of this blog. And it’s not like I’m out spreading my unmarried wild oats; I said sometimes I WANT to do the things that married people do, didn’t say I act on those feelings.

Someone made the comment that me wanting to do the things that married people do without getting married, is like wanting to earn a paycheck without actually working. Um no ma’am, I disagree with that comment. Don’t ask me why, I just do. I know what the bible says about this–1 Corinthians 7:2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. And let me reiterate, and I can’t stress this enough, I am not actually out doing the things that married people do. I just sometimes want to. So now let’s get to the real meat of this blog, why I don’t want to get married…EVER! And at the end of this blog I’m going to tell you something that will make your mouth drop so keep reading. 😉

I associate with quite a few married people and they do not make marriage look attractive. I had someone say that marriage is what you make it. Ummm, that’s all you have to say about your marriage? Where is the, “I’m so in love with my wife” or “I love being married to this man”? I mean I’m already trying to make the best of this thing called life, you mean I have to just make the best of being married? No! If I get married I want it to be because we are in love and I want us to remain in love with each other. Yes I expect to have ups and downs but I want to be able to say more than “marriage is what you make it.” Now I know what you’re saying, “Don’t most people get married because they are in love?” Yes, but how many remain in love? And how many stay together out of convenience?

Okay, Okay I’m done babbling. Reason #1 why I don’t want to get married is that I don’t want to have to ask or discuss my plans with anyone. For example, when me and friends make plans to go out to dinner or drinks or whatever, my married girlfriends of course, have to discuss it with their husbands first. I like not having to discuss my plans with anyone else. If I want to go to Zimbabwe and buy a zebra, guess what I don’t have to make sure it’s okay with my better half first, I just go. Well, not really because I can’t afford to do that and I’m afraid of animals…but you get what I mean. Now I agree that the respectful thing is to talk to your mate before you make any plans, I just don’t want to, which is why I’m single.

Coolest quotes - - 21Reason #2, I don’t want to have all of my me time taken away. Me time, I love it, I crave it, I must have it. I am actually somewhat of a loner. If you know me or know of me, I probably come off as someone who loves being around people, and I do…30% of the time. The other 70% is reserved for me, myself and I. One of my married friends commented about how when she first got married she had to get accustomed to having her husband come and sit on the couch with her while she was trying to watch one of her favorite television shows. She was use to being able to sit on her couch, alone, and relax while watching television. Let me tell ya, I like coming home to an empty house and sitting on the couch ALONE! Unless I’ve just watched an episode of Criminal Minds or Forensic Files, then you can sit with me on the couch because those shows sometimes spook me…but I love them!

Reason #3, I don’t want to get married, just to get divorced. I have seen so many people going through divorces, even had a really close friend go through it and it broke my heart to see her go through that pain. I once heard someone say that it would be easier to lose your spouse to death than divorce, because divorce feels just like death; but instead you have to watch this person build a new life with someone else. WOW! I’m not saying all marriages end up in divorce, but a lot of them do. Call me chicken, but I’m not willing to take that risk.

Reason #4, I don’t want to become an old boring married couple. The married people I know never do anything fun. I know several people that were always down to have fun…until they got married. I have a friend that was so much fun to be around, and then he got married. His wife sucked all of the fun out of him! Because she doesn’t like to do certain things he can longer do them either. She doesn’t drink, so he can’t drink either (now if your spouse is a recovering alcoholic then by all means, be respectful of that). She doesn’t like to go ANYWHERE, so he can’t go ANYWHERE either. Just because your spouse doesn’t enjoy certain things doesn’t mean you have to give up those things too. As long as everything is done in moderation and you are not disrespecting your spouse or marriage, you should still be able to have fun. I don’t go out much but I don’t want to be confined to my house because my spouse is a lamer and doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere.

Reason #5…yeah I don’t have anything else, I just don’t want to get married. I think I’ve given you enough reasons. And by now you all are probably thinking this girl is either crazy or has been hurt…A LOT! Well it’s a little bit of both, because let’s be real, we’ve all been hurt and we all have a little bit of crazy in us that we use when necessary. The big truth is I love being single. I love being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I don’t want to make time for someone else in my life right now. I have too many other things I want to do and marriage is not one of them. For all those that desire to be married, great, keep praying for the one God has designed for you and don’t settle. Will my thoughts and feelings on marriage ever change? I think my mom is praying that they will. Oh, and remember I said that I had something that would make your mouth drop? Well here it is…..

I have a secret board on pinterest that only I can see. On this board is nothing but wedding stuff…dresses, flowers, rings, decorations, etc. I have my whole wedding planned out and I even know who I want my future husband to be. But I know that’s up to God because he could have someone else in mind. And no it’s not Usher. I love him but I’m not as delusional as I may seem him it comes to him.

Utterly confused now? Yeah me too. LOL

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Until next time Laughers…Keep Laughing

~Kitta